The Path of Failure

Ok. So the truth is that I have written at least 5 blogs since I've been back and haven't been able to post a single one of them.

It's not that it's difficult being here, it's actually quite delightful and it's not that nothing is happening, because lots of stuff is going on, it's just that nothing seems so interesting nor quite profound enough to go on and wax poetic. But just as I find myself thinking I have nothing to say, I also feel myself unable to believe that this could possibly be true. So I make a decision to turn myself around. Belief or doubt? I choose belief. Success in this endeavor is just like anything else. It takes practice, and lots of it.

So I set myself a schedule and committed to exploring the few random ideas I had in my head, hoping they would gel together into something much more fabulous - for you and for me. The wheels churned slowly. Sometimes I gained momentum, sometimes I slipped rapidly down the hill in the opposite direction and ended up wandering in a far different and much uglier field. Other times pure beauty and intelligence slipped right through my fingers and onto the screen, but the recognition of such scared away whatever insight lay down just the line. Sigh.

Since this is a practice I reminded myself not to give up and resolved to try a different approach instead. So I found myself talking to people about the pitfalls of attempting a travelogue even though I was clearly standing stock still in one place and, much to my dismay, not going anywhere at all. Each new person I chatted with, however briefly, brought out a different aspect of my struggle. I did my best not to dwell on this (it's challenging enough as it is) but took it all in as information and eventually the truth dawned on me: I was afraid of failure.

The last thing that I want to do is put out some half-assed piece of garbage just so I can say I put something out there and pretend I've succeeded in continuing my exploration. I do not want you, my students, my peers, my friends or my family to consider me incompetent nor do I want you to end up tuning me out because I am less interesting, less profound or humorless. But that is exactly what happens. You put our 3 or more bad...things... and people start thinking you're a hack. And it doesn't stop there. Once you've discredited yourself in one area, people will begin to automatically discredit you in other areas, too. Of course I am afraid to fail and to have you see me fail. Shudder. Strangely enough this very notion caught me on fire and twisted me round in an entirely new direction.

I do not want to be liked or appreciated because I am perfect - I am certainly not and I rather like that quality about me. I also do not want to hold myself to some imaginary standard that I believe someone else has of me - they don't, thank god. But even more to the point, failure does not indicated our demise, rather it is the earliest signal we have of growth & transformation. It is a hallmark of our attempts at something new. It is what allows us to demarcate the boundaries of our capabilities and chart unknown territory. It shows us where we are malnourished and in desperate need of nutrients. It provides us with a sense of direction and indicates just how big of a step we are to take next.

If we wish to grow, we have no choice but to fail with our eyes wide open and our minds silently & humbly tucked into our hearts. What does that mean exactly? It means that we leave our personal garbage behind at each moment so that we can see clearly and act in accordance with who we want to be rather then who we've been in the past.

So I encourage you, no, I implore you, if you do nothing else today at least go out there and fail gloriously at something you love...and please forgive me when I do, too, for I am on this path right along side of you.